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Talking About Sex ... with Your Parents
Juliet Eastland, 06.17.08
Ongoing communication feels good — and is good for you, too. |
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Ever talk to your parents about sex?
Jeanne (not her real name) did ... once. She was in fourth grade, sitting behind two girls on the school bus. "My sister and her boyfriend make love, like, ten times a night!" one of the girls whispered, giggling.
Jeanne didn't know what "making love" meant, so she asked her mom about it when she got home.
"Mom," she asked, "How often do people make love?"
Her mother was silent.
"Like you and daddy. Every night? Every week?"
"Jeanne! That's private!" Her mother said. The message was clear: "Be quiet!"
Jeanne took the hint, and never raised the topic again.
A (Cold) Shower
Rona Renner, nurse and radio host of Childhood Matters, had a similarly uncomfortable — and unhelpful — experience. Around age 10, her father sat her and her sister down.
"He drew an anatomically correct man and woman," she remembers, "and talked about sex and babies. We [were] blushing and giggling. We were so embarrassed; we couldn't wait to get out of there."
Because the figures were standing, Rona assumed babies were made when people showered together.
Turning the Big Talk into Small Talk
When it comes to discussing sex, parents can be misleading. Angry. Defensive. Clueless. Often, they want to get the whole thing over with in One Big Talk — or they don't want to talk about it at all.
But in fact, research shows that ongoing dialogue fosters closeness between parents and kids, and decreases the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
In other words, ongoing communication feels good — and is good for you, too.
So, how can I get my parents to open up?
Here are some ways to get them to talk with you:
Use the media to start a conversation.
"There's so much explicit sexuality in media; there are many opportunities to talk," says Rona. See a movie like Juno, and use it as a jumping-off point to ask parents' thoughts on premarital sex or adoption.
Growing up, 18-year-old Dina (not her real name) asked her dad about scenes on TV, so "any questions that came up," she says, "were answered right away."
Mike Domitrz, executive director of the Date Safe Project, recommends mentioning a story ("Dad, I read an article about teenagers and STIs"), then asking more specific questions ("So how can I protect myself?").
Ask broad questions.
What was dating like in your parents' day? What's the quality they value most in a partner? While parents might balk at answering intimate questions about their sexual histories, they may share their wider experience.
Mention your peers.
You're worried because your friend has become sexually active, and she and her boyfriend are cutting class. Maybe someone you know had an abortion. Or maybe you watch your friends pair up with different partners each weekend.
Talk about it! You needn't name names. Ask your parents: How can I help my friend? What do you think about having different partners? What would you do if I got pregnant?
Let them know you want them to listen, not lecture.
Rona suggests saying, "Mom, I'd love a heart-to-heart, but I want to talk. No lectures. I just want to tell you what's up."
Or, "Dad, when you talk to me judgmentally like this, it makes me not want to tell you about my life and the pressures I'm under."
Mike advises telling parents what they're doing right, too: "I know lots of dads tell their daughters, 'If anyone touches you, I'll kill him.' I'm glad you haven't said that to me. It would scare me and make me afraid to come to you if anything ever happened. I know you love me and would want me to tell you anything, especially if someone hurt me."
Tell them how you expect to be treated in sexual situations.
Mike's example: "Mom, I expect any partner to treat me with respect, and I believe both of us should have equal say in everything — from where we eat to whether we kiss."
I tried all this. It didn't work!
Unfortunately, some parents can't get over their discomfort about sex. Worse, some threaten or punish kids for raising the topic. If you feel that asking questions will endanger you, don't.
There are other resources for safe, confidential information, including
- Your pediatrician. She talks to kids all day long, and has probably heard every question in the book.
- Trusted adults. Teachers, relatives, clergy, and family friends may be willing to talk with you.
- Health Centers. Tina, 21, visited her local health center, where the staff made "sure I understood what they were saying," she says. "They never made me feel as if my questions were stupid or immature ... they were never preachy or judgmental."
Best Case Scenario
Take Olivia as inspiration. Growing up, her mom read her age-appropriate books about sex and bodies and answered questions whenever they came up, not just in One Big Talk. Open conversations were "part of everyday life."
Now 22, Olivia "finds sex less shocking or taboo than many people." Because her mom provided "all the info" she needed about contraception, pregnancy, and STIs, Olivia uses protection, and has "always been good at demanding" protection from partners.
Sex education, Olivia says, "is like any education. You can't learn about basic grammar, short stories, longer works, and War and Peace all in the same class."
Olivia's experience is proof that, with practice, you and your parents can educate each other. |
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