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IN FOCUS: ARTICLE |
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Life with Herpes
by Sophia Sassoon, 06.26.07
I discovered that the stigma attached to herpes does not reflect the reality of living with it. |
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We've all seen those herpes drug commercials: My friends and I laughed at the corny music and images of a girl snuggling up to her guy as the announcer listed the side effects of the drug. I watched those commercials at a distance, thinking, "No need to pay attention ... this would never happen to me."
I was 26. My ex-boyfriend and I were at the end of our relationship, but we were still sleeping together. One morning I woke up with a strange tingling sensation in my upper thigh area, almost in the bone. I remember thinking, "Hmmm... I've felt this before." Several hours later, the skin near my vulva was red and swollen, and a tiny bump, almost like a pimple, began to form. I walked around with the bump for days, assuming it would disappear with time.
The Day I Found Out
When it got too painful to bear, I made an appointment with my gynecologist, who, after poking and prodding it, said, "Yep, that's looks like a herpetic lesion."
A what?! A hermetic seizure? A pathetic cleaver? "Umm ... what's that?" I whimpered.
"It's probably herpes. No big deal," my doctor said. "We'll do a test just to be sure, but I'm pretty certain it's herpes".
No big deal? My cheeks burned red, and my hands tightened into fists. I couldn't swallow the lump in my throat. I tried to breathe, but all I felt was the lump. I waited for him to say more, to explain what all this meant, and how to handle it. But he didn't say anything more. After he left the examining room I got dressed in a daze and left the building.
I walked straight into the warmth of the afternoon sun, my eyes half closed. I walked endlessly and aimlessly. It wasn't until my ex-boyfriend called me that I realized I was all the way downtown. My voice trembled when I told him what happened. I didn't want to say it out loud, to make it real. I thought of the commercial, of the girl, the guy, their embrace. "I am the girl," I thought. "I have herpes." I mouthed the words under my breath, trying to wrap my mind around it.
Time to Process
The days that followed my herpes diagnoses were difficult, to say the least. My parents and sister called me incessantly, wondering why I wasn't returning their phone calls. I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or be touched by anyone. There were a million questions running through my mind: Who gave this to me? Will I ever have sex again? What did I do to deserve this? Will anyone want me when they find out?
Over the next several weeks I went on an interesting inner journey. I began to sit with my questions instead of freaking out. What started out as extreme fear and anxiety soon became an eager desire to learn as much as I could about herpes. I discovered that the stigma attached to herpes does not reflect the reality of living with it. There are so many myths about herpes: People with herpes should never have sex again. Only sexually promiscuous people get herpes. None of this is true! I also learned that the tingling sensation that I experienced before my outbreak was familiar for a reason. I remember having it when I was 19, right after losing my virginity. I had been living with herpes for almost a decade.
My next step was to tell some of my closest friends that I had herpes. My friends were supportive, which was healing and rewarding. Little by little, it was getting easier to come to terms with my reality.
Moving Forward
My biggest challenge has been facing the reality that I need to tell every future sexual partner that I have herpes before we become intimate. Each time I do it, it gets easier, but initially, I was terrified. I was sure that any guy I told would run away. But over the last two years I have had nothing but great responses from guys, who, if they don't know much about it, ask me to explain what it means. Each guy has been understanding and supportive in his own way. A few of them even rejoiced when I told them because they had herpes too! That's how common it is.
The important thing is to go into the conversation with confidence instead of fear; I can't expect someone else to be okay with it if I'm not. Their reaction tells me so much about their maturity level and their knowledge. As my best friend said, "Girl, you're actually lucky because you have a built-in jerk indicator!"
Living with herpes has put me in touch with myself and my body. I know that if I get an outbreak (which are few and far between) that my body is telling me to slow down, eat better, and get more rest. Herpes is a mere footnote of my life — not something that rules it. |
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